right now.

I sit in my room. My room on the third floor. It’s an oven, so the window stays open. I guess heat does rise. Does that mean sound does too?

I hear the voices that I know, of the people that I know. My family. I also hear the voices of the strangers. The shadows that live on the street. They screaming and shouting about their lives and their feelings, leaving nothing unsaid. I feel like I know them more than I know myself. They know what pisses them off, and what makes them tick. They know what upsets them, and what they think is wrong. They know what they perceive as the truth. What is it like to be that sure? They say that the powerful and the stupid have one thing in common. That they don’t change their opinions, but they change the facts.

Why is everything so loud?

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The thing about ME

31st Jan 2016. Got told that I might have ME/CFS. No that isn’t a death sentence. It’s a tiring, slow and painful journey of a maybe recovery. Never a 100% recovery. But that didn’t go through my head. What did go through my was that life isn’t as hard as it has been for the last 2 years. That I’m not weak. I have an illness that was invisible even to me. I was struggling through everyday. Feeling like I was crazy and weak. That just attending school was too much for me. I used to get home. And fall into bed. Aching and tired. And no matter how much I slept the night before I would still be so tired. Unable to function. But made to attend school. I’d say I’m tired and that just got passed off. I mean isn’t everyone tired?

attendance

so we have all been to a place of education, weather that’s a school, or a college or whatever.  And has anyone else noticed recently that they are more interested in your attendance rather than you. well. I have a chronic illness, that effects me every single day of my life. so because of this, I don’t get rewarded? so this is my fault? I mean I cant ever get 100% attendance, and your giving prizes out for that? well umm cool… I guess I’ll just sit here and listen to you saying that because my attendance is less than 80% I’m gonna fail.

I myself want to be educated. Its my choice. I mean I could stay at home and be ill. Watch t.v all day. Making bracelets or ponchos whatever people do. But no, I want to be educated. So yes I know I cant get into school/college everyday. But that’s not going to stop me from getting what I want. I want what everyone else has: the ability to have good enough health life, to live normally. But I cant have that, Its not my fault or anything, just the play of the cards.

 

For you

so hey. I’m just the weird kid with Blue hair. I have naturally dark hair. and it took so much effort to get it to this point. I mean first time I bleached it. I went ginger. and then green. and I’m sure I’ll tell you guys all about it at some point. But right now. I just wanted to say. I get people come up to me and tell me how brave I am. and I’m like dude, all I did was dye my hair. They would normally reply with I wish I had the guts to do something like that.     And you can!
What I’m trying to say is. You wear that dress this summer. you wear that hat. Those shoes are not too bright. You will you love yourself more if you wear and dress that way you want. My life has changed so much when I stopped dressing for everyone else, and started dressing for me.

Its summer. so wear that bikini, show off them legs. Just do anything you like, so that when you leave your house, that smile is got gonna leave your face the whole day

xx

Books, Books and more Books

oh my god! I adore books! I adore any kind of story. You can sit me down and tell me any kind of story and I will stay and listen till I’m dead. Its my one weakness

So as you can guess I’m that type of kid that will carry a book with them everywhere, and sometimes two just in case I finish the first one. But last night I started to read Everything Everything. and oh my. I started it at like very late. and I tell you now. Never. and I mean NEVER!  start a book late at night when you neeed to be up tomorrow. because if you’re anything like me you will be up till 4 and not sleep till the story is complete. So today I am oh so very tired. and really don’t wanna go college. but hey. wish me luck xx

My favorite poem

So I was just sitting in college when my friend out of nowhere just started to read to me this poem that she knows off by heart. and I have never fell in love with something so fast before. the poem is untitled but is by Stephen Chbosky (gotta love that name) and it is my favorite poem. This poem needs to be read out loud so you can feel the rhythm. and then you can just cry about it after

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Chops”
because that was the name of his dog
And that’s what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo

And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X’s

and he had to ask his father what the X’s meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Autumn”

because that was the name of the season
And that’s what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint

And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed

when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Innocence: A Question”
because that was the question about his girl
And that’s what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A

and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle’s Creed went

And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her

but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That’s why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem

And he called it “Absolutely Nothing”
Because that’s what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn’t think

he could reach the kitchen.”