Can I live my life yet

I’m wanting to drop out of college, and if you know me you’d be shocked as I adore education. I love to learn. But I have no motivation or want to be there. I just want to sit at home and paint. That’s all. I’m so bored and unsatisfied with life right now. I just want to have a plan and goals that I’m reaching for. I’m done with gathering info and education and grades. I just want to be living and happy.
why do we spend such a long time in life prepping ourselves for something we are already living?

I just think so many things that we are told are stupid. I think the rote we are given in life is stupid. I think life and everyone’s ideas of what the perfect life is, is stupid. Because if I say “perfect life” you think good job, and what defines a good job? well the answer is normally money first and then something that makes you happy. Well… what the actual fuck. Then let me say? how many good jobs are easy to get? think about how much pain and fucking sadness you’ve got to put yourself through to get there. so let me ask you this, you’re fine with going through pain and sadness and stress, to wait.. to be happy? because your idea of a perfect job, perfect life will.. make you happy?
well I’m sorry to say, but you’re going to learn this the hard way. Life will never be perfect, you will never be perfect. perfect job doesn’t exist, It doesn’t actually matter if you are smart or have good grades, because A* students kill themselves too.
Shit is going to go wrong and you are going to fuck up. So learn fast what makes you happy and what you actually want. and who the fuck you are. because you’re not going to learn them things while you are so dead set on trying to prove yourself.

The school system is fucked. I got taught more about how a plant reproduces, than how to deal with depression. I needed to know more of how to protect myself and not get used by people or let them walk all over me, or how I’m going to get hurt and its going to be okay. I need to know who to deal with a broken heart and that I am strong enough to survive . YOU SEE you learn the important things in the end, but never the easy way. You will learn from damaging yourself, How is this fair?

why are we taught that we will get satisfaction and purpose from a good job that will make us happy and stable?  when some of us are not designed to work. People are clueless in the way they live and this upsets me because no one these days look up and sees how wonderful everything is. Its so normal that no one talks about how amazing it is that the sky changes colour or that trees are so small yet one day they tower over everything. Why aren’t people humbled by the amazing shit that surrounds us. because you’re not in control of this world, as much as you like to think that. you’re not. nature can kill you in a flood. and you are nothing. those grades those tests sores: nothing.
so why the fuck aren’t you learning how to be happy now?

 

 

 

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How are you?

Well my bones ache and my sprite, it longs to be far away from here. But my aching bones cannot carry it. as pain seeps in and I trip and crumble. You see I don’t make sense. I’m handed cards that are impossible to read. I’m giving diereses that are impossible to reach. Yet I still reach, I jump and  stretch and claw my way up.
All around just watch and wait, for me to slip and fall. you see I fall a lot. But I always, Always  get up. But you don’t see one day, and oh that day will come around, where I will fall and won’t get up. and I’m just waiting. because that’s when all around me will shatter and I will wake up.
but I’m enjoying this dream and the colours it casts on the walls of my life, I love the shadows and the whispers of what could be. so for now I’m dreaming in till the fall wakes me up.
and I’m okay with that.

You.

you may be my first love, But you do not define my now.
you may always have a part of me, and I may always be missing a part. But I am still whole and I am still who I’m meant to be.

Its sad to think that I let something that was my happiness, my love, my everything, Just go. I let it fly out of my life. Its weird because I could be happy right now, in the arms of someone who knows every little secret and still love me. Its crazy to think that what could of been my future is nothing but a whisper now. I’m left with nothing but memories and what ifs. I’m left with a empty space in my bed, that seems to eat up all the warmth I thought I had. I’m left with an empty hand and  a lonely month. My heart hurts and  I feel unloved and abandoned.
but I know. I know I’m stronger for it. I know that one day that space wont be filled, but it will  be forgotten. I know that I’m moving from sliver to gold.

A level maths.

Okay, let me start with explaining how I adore my sixth form, and how supportive they are. They are honestly amazing and I couldn’t ask for any better.

But the thing is, I wanted to take A level maths this year, and I in fact just have good enough grades to get on this course. Now let me explain my grades, they aren’t bad or anything, they are average. I didn’t get average grades because I’m an average student. oh no I have spent the last two years of my life dragging my ill body into college, to get grades. I have an illness which. two years ago I was in bed unable to move, unable to walk. Unable to even sit up, or talk. and through that all, I got up and moved my ass into college to get myself an education. I can not explain the pain and the pure shit, I had to face. I am determined and I am focused. I think that is proven. I also think that I am smart and its bloody amazing how I have gotten the grades that I have in the situation I was placed in.

So when I went to a level maths, I did expect the teacher to have some questions, and I was more than happy to explain. I am an interesting case, I do understand. But I did not expect to be told that my other grades are factored in and he has judged me on it all.
I did not expect that he went to ask other teachers about my grades, and most importantly I did not expect him to ask other students if they thought I could actually do a level maths.  I’m sorry, but you cant expect me to fail, from me not having a lot of gcses under my belt. I’m sorry but you can’t guess or assume how shit of a maths student I am going to be because I have no religious studies or music gcse. I have what I need to meet the requirements to get onto this course. Therefore you should be putting your resources into helping me get to where i want to be. not making me feel like i do not belong.
I know I need to work hard. and I will, don’t you dare doubt me tho. because dare god. I Know what i am doing and I am determinate and focused and oh so ready to succeed.

Let me explain.

all my life I have made excuses for my mum.
“oh shes just moody”
“oh shes has to raise five children all by herself”
“her husband cheated on her”
“she had a bad childhood”
“she deals with a lot of stress”
“she loves me really”

None of these are okay excuses, to wreck my life. None of those above, are reasons to make your child ill. None of these, are why you should put all your troubles onto your kids.
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame my mum. I know she doesn’t mean to hurt me. I honestly think she believes this is what love is.

But when she blames me for my own illness, blames me for the reason I cant walk, the reason I cant talk. When all I have ever wanted to do was get into uni. I spent my childhood studying. I didn’t go out and played with friends. I stayed home. I did all that she asked, washed up, dried up, cooked, looked after her children, on top of school work and extra lessons. I had a brain. I had a life. I could of been something. But now look at me. A small sack of bones. Pale and weak. Go on tell me I have a future, I Dare You.

what was the most sad, is a saw my life slip away, I saw myself getting ill and more ill. I watched as I couldn’t cope. Yet I pushed on. She made it seem like there was no other way. I used to tell her I couldn’t go into school today. (to me that was a big deal.) The stress, of me missing a lesson, would eat me up as all I could so was hide, from the big monster that I called depression. (little did I know, the killer was bigger was some sadness)  But all she would do was tell me that I was just tired. “Should of gone to bed earlier” “shouldn’t have that phone your dad brought you, keeps you awake all nigh” “control yourself better” But as I said before no excuses are good enough reasons to ruin me.

I got told for 3 years that I was just tired. As a children, aren’t we meant to believe what our mothers tell us? So how can you blame me when I gave up saying I was ill, when I was clearly “just tired”. That was before the pain began.

One day, I told her. I said I’m not okay. I asked for help. And that my dears was a big mistake, from there she only made me feel like I crazy, sick, wrong in the head. She  found out I wasn’t eating, She was told to offer support. So she shoved food down my throat till I gagged and threw up. Yelled at me, told me I was going to die, because I couldn’t eat a whole meal. She would force me to the bathroom, make me take layer after layer of clothing off, till i stood there naked and bare, so she could weigh me. I mean, what could I be hiding. A fucking elephant.
She would tell her friends, parents, anyone on the street, about me. how damaged I am. How it’s all my dads fault, and she was left with the mess to clean up, how hard it is on her, the poor thing.  Always when I was about, to hear. I mean she must of struggled. Must be hard to watch you child choke on the food your force feeding her.
The funny thing was, I would of eaten on my own. I was trying to get better. I was doing all I can, to push past the pain, the aches, the consent feeling of that I was going to  throw up just from the smell of food. But, I can tell you that’s made even harder when someone personally makes eating a bad experience.

Once they worked out, it wasn’t my eating, That was making me tired. Which didn’t surprise me at all.  They concluded it was depression, sent me off to the doctors that play with your mind. Oh how my mother hated that. She hated it more when they gave me pills. She even told me not to take them. Told me it was my fault, I was sad. Because of the films I’ve watched and the books I’ve read. Told me it was the devil inside me. Told me to pray.
By then I doing more than praying.
She took, all knives and anything sharp out of the house. I told her I don’t cut. I don’t even want to. If she even looked at my body there was no harm there to be seen. But why trust your own kid?  She wouldn’t even leave me alone in a room. even if she was in the same house. I mean why should she trust me? I was too damaged to be sane.

She made me feel so wrong. So bad for being sick. She made me feel guilty. But worse, she took what was left of reality and crushed it, before my eyes. Telling me I can’t trust myself. Telling everyone around me I have the bad in me. You made talking to people who knew me so hard. You made me feel like I had no one. You made me feel so much worse than I actually was. You made such a big deal. But did you once tell you parents that I struggle to eat. No you watched as they questioned why I didn’t eat a lot. You watched as I was forced out to restaurants. Telling me, in front of everyone, it was rude that I didn’t eat everything.

What still, confuses me, is how none of the doctors, nurses, anyone from the mental health team I saw. Never picked up on the difference I was when my mum was in the room. How what I said and what she said was two different stories. How she would always talk over me. Didn’t you pick up on how I’d dodge the subject of her completely. Didn’t you see how scared I was when you wanted to discharge me and leave me in the hands of her. I mean why should I blame you? I was just a kid, everything I told you could of been a lie. who would you choose to believe, a attention seeking teenage girl, or a mother, who has the whole church to back her up?
I mean I was just a patient, and you jumped at any chance to pass me on to another, was I took much for you?

It was only when I couldn’t sit up. I could hardly walk. And all I could so was sleep. That’s when everyone started to take a serious approach to me.
Yes I am ill, but what I have isn’t an eating disorder, isn’t depression. But yes I struggle to eat. and yes I get sad. But none, of that is who I am. And more Importantly. I am not crazy. or mad. or wrong.
I have a disabling illness. please explain to me how and why this makes me the devil mum?

She blames me for being ill. she blames me for choosing my friends over my family, for a day, when I have the energy to go out. And then when i’m ill after, its all my fault, and why would I do this to myself, she punishes me for being ill. But if I spend the day with her, and her family. How dare I say i’m tired. How dare I ask to go home, when I cant even sit up any longer.

And before you ask. why did I stay? where else was I meant to go, she cut my friendships down. so much I hardly had anyone. I was too tired, to even walk most days, All I wanted was to get away from the thing that seemed to encourage my illness. but I was too far gone.

Now I’m stronger. Now I’m going to run.

 

sneaking my boyfriend out of my bed.

SO,
my mum doesn’t like my boyfriend. (to her his just my friend. I was going to tell her I was dating but she was all don’t like him. so I chose to play it safe) She doesn’t like him so much that she doesn’t want him in her house. Now she has no reason to hate on him, for he has done nothing wrong. He doesn’t go around screaming at babies or cheating on me. Or even saying shit behind my back. He is a real nice guy. All my friends like him, and say he’s good for me. So he’s not a bad guy got it?

So this weekend, my whole family went out for a holiday (yeah they didn’t invite me, I’m unloved but I’ll live) so I thought inside of being in a big old house alone. I would invite my boyfriend over, and we had a good time. He took me out for dinner, and payed (he’s a good one I told you) and all was going well. Till 7:30 this morning. When my family came home…

We hid in my room (on the third floor), till he made me go downstairs to see whats going on, why they aren’t leaving?   They were unpacking the car and taking their sweet time doing so, then getting breakfast and then going off to school, so I was like okay cool I’ll sneak him out after they have gone. But then. Sister looked up at me and told me mums making her stay at home cuz she has ear infection. well that messed up my plan didnt it. how was i meant to sneak out my boyfriend when my goodie two shoes of a sister would tell mum everything that happened. (she once caught me saying I love you on the phone and told mum I had a boyfriend, funnily enough I was actually talking to my best friend)

OK so plan two: we sit in my room till everyone is gone a part from little miss sister, then I go read her a story or find a way to distract while BF (that’s boyfriend in case you where that stupid) would sneak past us and out. ( which would be fun as there is two flights of stairs, not counting the odd couple of steps that dot my hallways) so I wished him luck.

We sat and we waiting, Till I hear my sister kick off screaming that she wants to be taken with mum to school. and so that’s what mum did. Lucky for us. The house was now empty. we were safe.
One of the most scariest mornings of my life.

Flavor tripping

The miracle berry that coats your tongue in its magical-ness that makes everything taste so sweet, is a pretty cool idea, yeah?
so being me I thought I should try them.
and it was one of the best decisions I’ve made
This is only gonna be a quick list of things to try with them. cuz damn you need to try them

strawberries – taste like perfection. heaven. so sweet so good omg. (still cant get over it)
lemons- not sour or anything at all. so sweet and taste like the best lemonade
limes- omg so weird. its so good but so weird
any sour sweets- taste so good

I would list more but i just sat and ate strawberrys the whole time so i cant say what else. but I would beg you to try the berries because they are so worth it. and its a fun experience. In fact have a flavor tripping party, but be careful because everyone will be hunting around your house for whatever they can try and eat

xx