Let me explain.

all my life I have made excuses for my mum.
“oh shes just moody”
“oh shes has to raise five children all by herself”
“her husband cheated on her”
“she had a bad childhood”
“she deals with a lot of stress”
“she loves me really”

None of these are okay excuses, to wreck my life. None of those above, are reasons to make your child ill. None of these, are why you should put all your troubles onto your kids.
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame my mum. I know she doesn’t mean to hurt me. I honestly think she believes this is what love is.

But when she blames me for my own illness, blames me for the reason I cant walk, the reason I cant talk. When all I have ever wanted to do was get into uni. I spent my childhood studying. I didn’t go out and played with friends. I stayed home. I did all that she asked, washed up, dried up, cooked, looked after her children, on top of school work and extra lessons. I had a brain. I had a life. I could of been something. But now look at me. A small sack of bones. Pale and weak. Go on tell me I have a future, I Dare You.

what was the most sad, is a saw my life slip away, I saw myself getting ill and more ill. I watched as I couldn’t cope. Yet I pushed on. She made it seem like there was no other way. I used to tell her I couldn’t go into school today. (to me that was a big deal.) The stress, of me missing a lesson, would eat me up as all I could so was hide, from the big monster that I called depression. (little did I know, the killer was bigger was some sadness)  But all she would do was tell me that I was just tired. Should of gone to bed earlier, shouldn’t have that phone dad brought me. But as I said before no excuses are good enough reasons to ruin my life.

I got told for 3 years that I was just tired. As a children, aren’t we meant to believe what our mothers tell us? So how can you blame me when I gave up saying I was ill, when I was clearly “just tired”. That was before the pain began.

One day, I told her. I said I’m not okay. I asked for help. And that my dears was a big mistake, from there she only made me feel like I crazy, sick, wrong in the head. She  found out I wasn’t eating, She was told to offer support. So she shoved food down my throat till I gagged and threw up. Yelled at me tell, me I was going to die, because I couldn’t eat a whole meal. She would force me to the bathroom, make me take layer after layer of clothing off, so she could weigh me. I mean, what could I be hiding. A fucking elephant.
She would tell her friends, parents, anyone on the street, about me. how damaged I am. How it’s all my dads fault, and she was left with the mess. Always when I was about to hear. I mean she must of struggled. Must be hard to watch you child choke on the food your force feeding her.
The funny thing was, I would of eaten on my own. I was trying to get better. I was doing all I can, to push past the pain, the aches, the consent feeling of throwing up. But, I can tell you that’s made even harder when someone personally makes eating a bad experience.

Once they worked out, it wasn’t my eating, That was making me tired. Which didn’t surprise me at all.  They concluded it was depression, sent me off to the doctors that play with your mind. oh how my mother hated that. She hated it more when they gave me pills. She even told me not to take them. Told me it was my fault, I was sad. Because of the films I’ve watched and the books I’ve read. Told me to pray.
By then I doing more than praying.
She took, all knives and anything sharp out of the house. I told her I don’t cut. I don’t even want to. If she even looked at my body there was no harm there to be seen.  She wouldn’t even leave me alone in a room. even if she was in the same house. I mean why should she trust me? I was too damaged to be sane.

She made me feel so wrong. So bad for being sick. She made me feel guilty. But worse, she took what was left of reality and crushed it, before my eyes. Telling me I can’t trust myself. Telling everyone around me I have the bad in me. You made talking to people who knew me so hard. You made me feel like I had no one. You made me feel so much worse than I actually was. You made such a big deal. But did you once tell you parents that I struggle to eat. No you watched as they questioned why I didn’t eat a lot. You watched as I was forced out to restaurants with me. telling me it was rude that I didn’t eat everything.

What still, confuses me, is how none of the doctors, nurses, anyone from the mental health team I saw. Never picked up on the difference I was when my mum was in the room. How what I said and what she said was two different stories. How she would always talk over me. Didn’t you pick up on how I’d dodge the subject of her completely. Didn’t you see how scared I was when you wanted to discharge me and leave me in the hands of her. I mean why should I blame you? I was just a kid, everything I told you could of been a lie. who would you choose to believe, a attention seeking teenage girl, or a mother, who has the whole church to back her up?

It was only when I couldn’t sit up. I could hardly walk. And all I could so was sleep. That’s when everyone started to take a serious approach to me.
Yes I am ill, but what I have isn’t an eating disorder, isn’t depression. But yes I struggle to eat. and yes I get sad. But none, of that is who I am. And more Importantly. I am not crazy. or mad. or wrong.
I have a disabling illness. please explain to me how and why this makes me the devil mum?

She blames me for being ill. she blames me for choosing my friends over my family, for a day, when I have the energy to go out. And then when i’m ill after, its all my fault, and why would I do this to myself, she punishes me for being ill. But if I spend the day with her, and her family. How dare I say i’m tired. How dare I ask to go home, when I cant even sit up any longer.

And before you ask. why did I stay? where else was I meant to go, she cut my friendships down. so much I hardly had anyone. I was too tired, to even walk most days, All I wanted was to get away from the thing that seemed to encourage my illness. but I was too far gone.

Now I’m stronger. Now I’m going to run.

 

sneaking my boyfriend out of my bed.

SO,
my mum doesn’t like my boyfriend. (to her his just my friend. I was going to tell her I was dating but she was all don’t like him. so I chose to play it safe) She doesn’t like him so much that she doesn’t want him in her house. Now she has no reason to hate on him, for he has done nothing wrong. He doesn’t go around screaming at babies or cheating on me. Or even saying shit behind my back. He is a real nice guy. All my friends like him, and say he’s good for me. So he’s not a bad guy got it?

So this weekend, my whole family went out for a holiday (yeah they didn’t invite me, I’m unloved but I’ll live) so I thought inside of being in a big old house alone. I would invite my boyfriend over, and we had a good time. He took me out for dinner, and payed (he’s a good one I told you) and all was going well. Till 7:30 this morning. When my family came home…

We hid in my room (on the third floor), till he made me go downstairs to see whats going on, why they aren’t leaving?   They were unpacking the car and taking their sweet time doing so, then getting breakfast and then going off to school, so I was like okay cool I’ll sneak him out after they have gone. But then. Sister looked up at me and told me mums making her stay at home cuz she has ear infection. well that messed up my plan didnt it. how was i meant to sneak out my boyfriend when my goodie two shoes of a sister would tell mum everything that happened. (she once caught me saying I love you on the phone and told mum I had a boyfriend, funnily enough I was actually talking to my best friend)

OK so plan two: we sit in my room till everyone is gone a part from little miss sister, then I go read her a story or find a way to distract while BF (that’s boyfriend in case you where that stupid) would sneak past us and out. ( which would be fun as there is two flights of stairs, not counting the odd couple of steps that dot my hallways) so I wished him luck.

We sat and we waiting, Till I hear my sister kick off screaming that she wants to be taken with mum to school. and so that’s what mum did. Lucky for us. The house was now empty. we were safe.
One of the most scariest mornings of my life.

Flavor tripping

The miracle berry that coats your tongue in its magical-ness that makes everything taste so sweet, is a pretty cool idea, yeah?
so being me I thought I should try them.
and it was one of the best decisions I’ve made
This is only gonna be a quick list of things to try with them. cuz damn you need to try them

strawberries – taste like perfection. heaven. so sweet so good omg. (still cant get over it)
lemons- not sour or anything at all. so sweet and taste like the best lemonade
limes- omg so weird. its so good but so weird
any sour sweets- taste so good

I would list more but i just sat and ate strawberrys the whole time so i cant say what else. but I would beg you to try the berries because they are so worth it. and its a fun experience. In fact have a flavor tripping party, but be careful because everyone will be hunting around your house for whatever they can try and eat

xx

 

blue hair, new shoes

swho else is in love with Irregular choice. Because dear God I am. I own two pairs, both of which are black, and both of which I got in the sale cuz I’m poor as. But omg! they are the most comfiest shoes I own. so, just for you. these are what they look like upon my feet 😉

WIN_20170707_14_23_55_Pro

and these are what the bottom of the shoes look like, I love how funky the sloes are, they

1461157060m7_zmadd to how cool and original the shoes are. the insides of the shoes are really awesome too, filled with patterns and a comfy insole with padding and all that jazz. So what I love the most about these make of shoes is that they are crazy and mad like my hair. They just make me a happy 🙂
so being Irregular choice, these cost about £133 but I got them for £70 which isn’t too bad

right now.

I sit in my room. My room on the third floor. It’s an oven, so the window stays open. I guess heat does rise. Does that mean sound does too?

I hear the voices that I know, of the people that I know. My family. I also hear the voices of the strangers. The shadows that live on the street. They screaming and shouting about their lives and their feelings, leaving nothing unsaid. I feel like I know them more than I know myself. They know what pisses them off, and what makes them tick. They know what upsets them, and what they think is wrong. They know what they perceive as the truth. What is it like to be that sure? They say that the powerful and the stupid have one thing in common. That they don’t change their opinions, but they change the facts.

Why is everything so loud?

The thing about ME

31st Jan 2016. Got told that I might have ME/CFS. No that isn’t a death sentence. It’s a tiring, slow and painful journey of a maybe recovery. Never a 100% recovery. But that didn’t go through my head. What did go through my was that life isn’t as hard as it has been for the last 2 years. That I’m not weak. I have an illness that was invisible even to me. I was struggling through everyday. Feeling like I was crazy and weak. That just attending school was too much for me. I used to get home. And fall into bed. Aching and tired. And no matter how much I slept the night before I would still be so tired. Unable to function. But made to attend school. I’d say I’m tired and that just got passed off. I mean isn’t everyone tired?

attendance

so we have all been to a place of education, weather that’s a school, or a college or whatever.  And has anyone else noticed recently that they are more interested in your attendance rather than you. well. I have a chronic illness, that effects me every single day of my life. so because of this, I don’t get rewarded? so this is my fault? I mean I cant ever get 100% attendance, and your giving prizes out for that? well umm cool… I guess I’ll just sit here and listen to you saying that because my attendance is less than 80% I’m gonna fail.

I myself want to be educated. Its my choice. I mean I could stay at home and be ill. Watch t.v all day. Making bracelets or ponchos whatever people do. But no, I want to be educated. So yes I know I cant get into school/college everyday. But that’s not going to stop me from getting what I want. I want what everyone else has: the ability to have good enough health life, to live normally. But I cant have that, Its not my fault or anything, just the play of the cards.